Rawkin' Mohawkin

No, this is not my newborn. We still have 6 weeks to go people! This is my fashion model. Her name is Tarzana. She's named after the city in California, not "Tarzan of the Jungle." In fact, don't even bring Tarzan up to her. It's a sore subject.

Anywhoosit, Jakob purchased an adorable Superman onesie. (Which works for Supergirl, too!) I thought the look could only be complete with a knitted mohawk hat.



I took up knitting. You remember when knitting was deemed "cool" about three years ago? Well, I'm finally catching on. I really wanted to make something for my baby and it seemed like a hat would be pretty simple. I had some knitting needles and yarn buried in my craft closet. I put them into action. First, I knitted the orange cap. Then, I created a straight line of knotted dangling green & purple yarn. I fluffed it out with a hairbrush to give it a touch of spikey-punk-poofiness.



VOILA!

It Ain't All Gravy

Pregnancy is wonderful, except when it isn't.

I have anxiety about labor.

I went to my first Lamaze class on Monday night. I think it wigged me out. The instructor started the class by telling us to ignore all the delivery room horror stories that we've heard because every woman's experience is different. Then she spent the remainder of the class going over complications like meconium, preeclampsia, and placental abruption. It didn't help that Jakob and I were seated beneath the poster that diagramed an episiotomy.

I cry 8 times a day. I pee twice as many times as I cry.

My feet have grown a shoe size.

I feel like Violet Beauregard. I'm a colossal blueberry. I need Oompa Loompas to roll me to the Juicing Room and put me out of my misery.

I was waiting for the bus the other day and four little boys were at the bus stop. They were all about 10 years old. They were having a spitting contest. I wouldn't have cared except that they were spitting on folks waiting for the bus, like me. They were using words like, "bitch." It made me worry about being a crummy mom and having a brat for a kid.

I got up at 3:11am this morning to write an angry e-mail to the people at Target regarding my baby registry. Stuff keeps becoming "unavailable," or isn't being efficiently processed. I should've gone with 'Babies R Us.' Anyway, the clickity-clack of the computer keys awoke my sweet, kind, lovely husband. My patient, caring, attentive husband quietly got out of bed and shut the bedroom door so he could get a little shuteye. I can't tell you exactly why this sent me into a hysterical bitchy fit, but it did. I proceeded to yell at my charming, handsome, considerate husband for no good reason what-so-ever. And how does this half-awake, bewildered man respond? He coaxes me back into bed and rubs my tummy for over an hour as I whimper and eventually fuss myself to sleep. Saint Jakob.

Don't get me wrong. I'm blessed. I'm excited for this kid to pop out. But sometimes I feel like a big, whiny pod that has no control over my body or my feelings.

Whaaaaaaa. I can't even eat soft cheese! I LOVE soft cheese!!!

1977

This is a picture of my mom and me. Look at how BRAND NEW I am. Pudgy. No neck. Squinty-eyed. My mouth is shaped like a little bell. I'm freakin' adorable!

I've been looking at this photo trying to imagine that I'll be holding my own baby in just over two months.

Wow.

Jakob and I have found a song that we can both sing to my belly.
Loudon Wainwright wrote it while his wife Kate was pregnant with Rufus.
They sing it together on the album Attempted Mustache
It's called, "Dialated to Meet You."

We're wondering when you will arrive
We're wondering what you'll be
We're wondering if you'll be a 'her'
Or if you'll be a 'he'

Maybe you'll arrive today
Perhaps tomorrow night
We're hoping you won't hurt too much
And that you'll be alright.

Life has a few unpleasantries
We may as well confess
We suppose you'll cry a lot
And that you'll be a mess

There is one thing you should know well
On this there is no doubt
You cannot get inside again
Once you have come out

Even though there's trouble
Even though there's fuss
We really think you'll like it here
We hope that you like us.

GRRRRRR! Monster Box!

I've been working on some shadowboxes...



VOILA! The Monster Box! This is the first one I made. His name is "BOOSHOCKA!" The tongue springs forward against the front glass and you can see down his throat.



This green lovely is the next one I created. I named her, "GLAMOURIZZA!" Beautiful, ain't she?



There's a mirror in the rear of the box. When you peak in, it looks like YOU are in the monster's mouth.



Here's where I went a little nuts. This is "SYBILOBSTRA!" She's a monster within a monster within a monster within a monster.



I even put wee little flashlights in her eyes to make them glow firey red. That's right. Don't mess with Sybilobstra. She'll wreck ya!

To check out more shadowboxes & monsters, click here to visit Flickr.

Super DUPER Hero - El Preggo Grande!

LOOK! It's a Macy's Day Balloon! It's a Land-Wandering Manatee! It's the Stay Puft Marshmello Man!



NO! It's EL PREGGO GRANDE!



Able to laugh heartily in the face of swelling & bloating. HA HA HAAAAAA!



You poor kid. Your parents are so friggin' goofy.

Seven Months

Dear Little One,

We're in the homestretch! You now weigh 3 pounds. THREE POUNDS! I couldn't afford to buy 3 pounds of veal or lobster! Holy moly!

I saw you on a monitor last week at Dr. Shah's office and you refused to show us your face. You hid behind your hand. Are you shy? Are you stubborn? Are you teasing?

In less than 90 days, I'll finally get to meet you. I can't wait to hear what you sound like. I can't wait to hold you. I can't wait to see what a combination of mommy & daddy's features will look like! (Will you get dad's ears? If so, fear not--you WILL grow into them.)

And I can't wait to thank you for all you've already given to me.

Because of you, I began doing yoga. Yo! Check my balanced chakras!

Because of you, I stopped drinking. My liver is probably thriving again!

Because of you, I stopped consuming 5 cups of coffee and 2 sodas per day. I quit caffeine and my body is not nearly as stiff as it used to be.

Because of you (and my desire to actually "go to the bathroom" when I go to the bathroom), I have learned the value of a high-fiber diet.

Because of you, I have a newfound love and respect for my own mother and everything she did to bring me into this world.

Because of you, I have been in touch with people that I haven't spoken to in years and it feels good to reconnect.

Because of you, my husband thinks I'm a goddess. (He thought that before, but this pregnancy thing is really blowing his mind.)

But most of all, because of you I have found courage inside myself. I used to practiced a lot of "duck & cover" when it came to scary stuff. Now, I've become brave. You deserve a brave mommy who will show you how to use caution, but NEVER let fear run your life.

I've always had a big heart with lots of love to give. But I've never felt a love so enormous as the love I feel for you. Love that huge IS scary. To care so much for something takes courage. Honestly, I don't ever want you to be harmed, or be taken away, or get sick, or have anything bad happen to you. But I won't live in fear of this love. I embrace this love.

I thank you for choosing me to be part of this love.

Now, there are some unpleasantries that gestation has brought with it. Restless leg syndrome. Urinating 12 times a day. The lethal farts that make your father run away from me.

But the love is worth all of it. For sure.

Luv,

Mom

Art Baby - Round Two!

Dear Little One,

Happy week 27! Things are movin' right along. You are a very active bundle of joy! I can see my abdomin quake when you're restless. I can't wait to show my baby bump bouncing about to others and amaze them (or watch them seriously wig out).

Momma had a glucose test to check for gestational diabetes. They gave her orange sugar water. After an hour, a very nervous phlebotomist couldn't seem to locate mom's veins in either arm. Finally, a butterfly needle in my left hand proved to be a winner.



I have completed 8 more paintings for your nursery. I tried to throw some not-so-tradition animals in the mix. Hence, this blowfish. It's also called a puffer fish. Either way, it's a funny animal that you shouldn't touch.



Your dad seems to find this koala bear REALLY amusing. I think it's something to do with the laid back eyes. He's just munching on some primo eucalyptus, man. Get off of his cloud!



Personally, I adore the hippo. When your dad and I went to the San Diego zoo, I refused to leave the hippo tank. I watched her swim around and around and around. She was two tons of cellulite and the most graceful thing I've ever seen. We became friends right away.

Maybe I'll make up a hippo song for you. You're probably getting sick of me singing, "You Are My Sunshine," but it's one of the few lullabies that I know all the words to. I'll work on my "Hush Little Baby," and "Rainbow Connection," to give you a little variety.

Love, love, love you so much,

Mom

To view all the paintings completed thus far,Click Here to Visit Flickr

Arty Baby

Dear Little One In My Tummy,

You are just growing up a storm, aren't ya? You're developing at super duper warp speed! You are over a foot long and way nearly 2 pounds! I can feel you kicking and punching me daily. I love it. Keep abusing me. It reminds me that you are alive in there.



What's mommy doing? Well, dad and I are in the process of converting the office into a nursery. My plan is still to have your Grampa Joe paint a gorgeous mural for you. However, I'm not sure he'll be able to make it out to California prior to your arrival. I wanted to make colorful, fun paintings to hang on your wall.



I was going to do some Jim Henson Muppets or Dr. Suess illustrations, but your father suggested that I make my own drawings. I decided to sketch out and paint some silly wildlife. I started with a giraffe since that is your dad's favorite animal. I think that's because they have long necks (like he does) and they tend to stare and ponder without making a noise (like he does).



Both your dad and Uncle Andrew find this particular elephant to be "shifty." I don't agree. I think this elephant is just being "coy." I figure you and I and your daddy can make up elaborate stories based on these animals that adorn your room.



For example, this is OPAL--the OCTOPUS. She went to school at OBERLIN where she studied the OBOE and OPERA. She hopes to someday write an OPUS. She loves eating OLIVES, OREO cookies, ONIONS and OYSTERS. Her best friends are an ODD OSTRICH named OSCAR and an OLD OWL named OMAR from OXFORD.

Just three more months until we meet. Think I can paint 26 of these by then?

I luv u.

-mom

To view all the paintings completed thus far,Click Here to Visit Flickr

5 Cute Baby Items That Makes Me Squeal With Delight

#1. Love/Hate Scratch Mittens
I found these on a cool British site called nippazwithattitude.com. Babies can get awful fussy when it comes to clipping their nails. Their fingers are so freakin' small. These little mittens keep them from scratching themselves in between grooming sessions. Plus, they're totally biker/gangsta/outlaw rad!




#2. The Bob Dylan Onsie
Get it? It's BOB DYLAN and it says, "Time I Need A-Changin'!" HA HA! My husband loves this garmet, also from nippazwithattitude.com.




#3. The Sushi Changing Matt
This I found on an adorable website called myretrobaby.com It's so funky!




#4. The BEES KNEES Crawling Pants
Found at BeesKneesBaby.com, these pants are AWESOME! For the little crawler in your life, they have cushy inserts to protect brand new knees and absorb shock. Genius!




#5a. IF I HAVE A GIRL - The Sugar Skull Toddler Dress
Ever since my last job, I've been very into 'Day of the Dead' decor. The truth is--I want this dress, but my baby is obviously going to be cooler than me, so the folks at babywit.com have made them in toddler sizes.



#5b. IF I HAVE A BOY - The Pee Pee Tee Pee
I must admit, this is my fave. Developed by Urban Baby Designs, this cone shaped, cloth product goes over your little guy's little guy so you don't get sprayed by spontsaneous piss when you're changin' him. And I love the name...tee hee :)

Twenty-Something For One More Year...

Dear Little One Floating in My Gut,

You may have wondered what all the raucous was about on Saturday. Perhaps you were resting peacefully and then noticed all the hubbub. Did you sit up straight in all that amniotic fluid and say, "Hey, what's the dealio? We haven't sat down since forever ago! What's all those goofy voices? What all that loud wisecrackin' and hip hoppin' music?" Well, we had a shindig for your dad's birthday. He's 29 years old.



There's mommy! In this photo, I'm glowing--both with the glow of pregnancy AND all those freakin' candles! Next year, we officially switch to the candles shaped like numbers.



There's dad! This is attempt #1 at blowing out the candles.



And here's attempt #2. Geez. Perhaps you'll inherit your father's lung capacity. If that is the case, you'll probably just muster up a disgruntled sigh rather than scream like a banshee when you require changing and feeding.



And LOOK who got a gift for dad's birthday--YOU DID! It's your very first Onesie and political statement all rolled into one. By the way kid, in case you haven't caught on, your parents lean left. And if for some reason you grow up and decide to rebel by voting Republican, we'll still love you. Just don't call us, "Dirty Hippies." We're not dirty. Your father and I believe in good hygiene.

Oh, and with all the kicking you've been doing lately, Dad's going to start calling you, "Vinatieri." Don't worry. I won't let him put it on our 'baby name list.' Promise.

Love you,

The Mom & The Dad

For more pictures from Jakob's Birthday, visit Flickr

Jolly Good Show!

WOW! First, let me extend a HUGE thank you to everyone who came out to support our show this past weekend. It was a great success and you were an amazing audience. It's a pleasure to make you laugh 'til ya pee. I can honestly say that this was the most fun I've ever had performing. Yes...EVER! What a blast!



I have to thank Lizzy Cooperman for being such a spectacular host. Lizzy is so naturally funny. If you have yet to see her perform, you should immediately. Soon, she'll be a big star and it'll be hard to get tickets to watch her do her thang.



Thanks to Kenny Kelleher & Chantal DeGroat for helping us out with our musical number and for giving us such a treat with their HILARIOUS "Get In - Get Outs." It brought us joy to see the two of you giving it your all up there on stage. Capital job!



Thanks to Asterios Kokkinos and Geoffrey Golden of Overtime . Several of my friends now consider themselves part of the "Overtime Fan Club." And no one can get "Caveman Jesus" out of their head. Jolly good show!



And a very special thank you goes out to TROOP! You guys brought the house down, per usual, and you remain such classy folks to boot. We want to let you know how much it meant for us for you to be part of this show. Damn, you are F-U-N-N-Y! Top drawer, indeed!

Thank you to Nicole Elliott for running our tech. YOU RAWK! A BIG, BIG thank you to Karen Stein for her performance and all her help getting the space ready, keeping track of props and building a bridge in a freakin' rainstorm. Thank you to Matt Duersten for helping us out, too. The night would not have been the same without his graceful "Halfway Dance" and glorious butt crack.



And last, but never least, thanks to my partners in crime, Jakob & Andrew. You both had to kick it up a notch and do more work for this show. Thanks for giving me "My Favorite Time On Stage."

Bravo, everyone. Bravo.

For more pictures from the show, visit Flickr

For the "Master of YOUR Universe"

These super amazing HeMan Boxers were my Valentine's Day gift to Jakob. Nothin' says, "You're my HEMAN!" like these babies. I'm glad I selected the ones where HeMan battles Skeletor. It looks like both of their weapons are pointing at his crotch. Tee hee!

My Funny Valentine...

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am the luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am the luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am the luckiest



I love you. Happy Valentine's Day.

You, Me and Everyone We Know...Laughing

These are some goofy drawings I did of the performers who will be at the upcoming show that Mighty McPilgrim is producing.

THE BIG LAUGHIE FUN TIME COMEDY WEEKEND IS NEARLY HERE!

You, Me and Everyone We Know...Laughing
Fri & Sat - February 17th & 18th @ 8pm
The Plymouth Theater
4359 Melrose Ave.
Los Angeles, CA 90029

Tix are just $10

It'll be an unforgetable night of sketch, stand-up, improv and all types of craziness.



I made these cartoons to dress up the theater. So, I guess it's a freakin' art show, too. HOT DAMN!



I tried to draw everybody. If you want to check them all out, visit Flickr.

Beatles Mix

The baby's ears have formed, so Jakob made a "sleepy time" mix for his kid. Some moms play classical music against their bellies. For us, it's the Fab Four. Here's the list:

Track 1. Yesterday
Track 2. Good Night
Track 3. Mother Nature's Son
Track 4. Julia
Track 5. Blackbird
Track 6. I'm So Tired
Track 7. Dear Prudence
Track 8. Golden Slumbers
Track 9. Here Comes The Sun
Track 10. Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)
Track 11. Strawberry Fields Forever
Track 12. The Fool On The Hill
Track 13. Here, There And Everywhere
Track 14. Eleanor Rigby
Track 15. The Long And Winding Road
Track 16. Let It Be
Track 17. Across The Universe
Track 18. Because
Track 19. Something
Track 20. All Things Must Pass
Track 21. I Will
Track 22. While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Track 23. Cry Baby Cry

This means my child will either be a huge Beatles fan or hate this music soooo much. Don't worry. I plan to make a punk rock mix, a hip hop mix and an AlternRock/AvantGarde mix, too. It's all about variety.

About Your Father...

Dear Little One Floating in My Uterus,

I wanted to tell you a few things about the guy that you will call, "Dad."



Ta Da! Your father. Jakob Scott White. Ain't he a handsome man! I met him at Emerson College. We became friends instantly. He didn't speak very much, but when he did, it was thoughtful and wise. You should pay attention when he gives advice. He tends to be right. He was (and still is) a great listener. Since I love to talk all the live long day, t'was a perfect match.



This is your father on stage. He's an actor. He's no hack either. He's talented with real training and all that jazz. He can even dance! He was quite the dancer in his day. As you can tell from this photo, he really commits when he's performing. Be prepared for every character in your story books to have a distinct funny voice. By the way, the person next to him is a friend of the family named Ryan Gantz. Mr. Gantz is playing the part of Mrs. Feldspar. He doesn't normally dressed that way. (Well, we don't know if he does in his spare private time, but that's really his business and not ours).



There's an ugly truth about your father that you need to know right away...he's a Boston sports fan. He will FOREVER love the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics, in that order. (He's not really a Bruins fan. Hockey's never been his thang.) This means, of course, that he will encourage YOU to be a Boston sports fan. There have already been numerous Boston sports related items purchased for you. Among these are Fenway Park building blocks, a mobile with circling green monsters, and Red Sox Baby Booties. I see your dad whine each time he passes a little Pats jersey in a toddler size. If you go with him on this path, I warn you, it shall be painful. Oh sure, perhaps when you're born, we'll be riding high. The teams all look like they can make a run for the playoffs. But we originate from New England and the following cliche is passed down from generation to generation: "These teams will break your heart!" But what can I do? I already see you and your dad yelling, "You DIRTY BUM!" at a television as you suffer through a ballgame wondering why the refs are so, "blind and bias." I can't fight fate.



You father is the biggest film buff I've ever known. I have a feeling that movies will be a huge part of how the two of you bond. If that's so, get ready for a whole lotta Wes Anderson, Tim Burton and the Cohen Brothers. You'll have to be a bit older to appreciate and not be scarred by these movies. Therefore, in the beginning, he'll be giving you steady doses of The Muppet Show to hone your sense of humor, fun and love of colorful, unusual personalities.



He's a goof, a weirdo, and a brilliant man. He's going to be a tremendous dad. He can't wait to meet you. You lucky ducky!

Love,

Ma