We Hurt, But We Smile

It's been difficult...

I've had a hard time trying to...

There's so much going on inside me...

Grrrrrrrrr.

No sentence I write is right.

This is the eleventh time I've tried to start this post. I'm going to lead with that. If I continue to struggle with how to talk about my sadness, well, it ends up being yet another struggle and that makes me sad. See how that works?



Last week, Cooper and I went to do our "sit in" at the YMCA. Mommy observes as baby explores the new and exciting world of pre-school.

The first twenty minutes were splendid. We met Teacher Porsha and Teacher Jill. Both were amazing.

Cooper played well with the other children. He loves fake food. I don't know what it is about plastic fruits and veggies, but kids can't get enough of pretending to cook it, eat it and serve it up on plates with a combo of tastes that do not traditionally go together, like bacon and chocolate cake. (Mmmmmmmmm. I'd eat that.)

Then, it was time to clean up. The whole class started organizing toys into bins and placing them away on shelves.

As the other children formed a circle on the carpet in preparation for story time, my son went ballistic grabbing at everything. He threw musical instruments. He screamed and stomped. His trantrum continued throughout, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. (Some consider it Geisel's filet, but I've always favored McElligot's Pool.)

I tried to comfort my child with a hug. He pushed me away with a , "NOOOOOOOO!". My heart shattered.

Instantly I remembered saying awful things to my mom. I called her an ugly old witch once when I was five.

I smiled and told him it was all going to be ok. I felt awful. "I'm a bad mom," has surpassed, "I'm so fat," as the negative phrase that repeats in my head. Perhaps I have not prepared him enough. My concentration was never on manners. Mostly, I just loved him, played with him and prevented him injuring himself via electricity or sharp objects.

I think I gave the appearance of a cool, calm mom. The teachers assured me that that it's always overwhelming at first and Cooper will do just fine.

I'm sure he will.

It's mommy that's questionable.